In laws or Outlaws

     When couples marry they need to realize that they marry the whole entire family as well. Some may be liked and loved and some, well, not so much. At times it can be a struggle mixing the different personalities as well as the different traditions that each carry. It can almost feel like mixing cultures.

     There a lot of different agendas that need to be dealt with. Mothers can feel jealous that their daughter is moving away and that her purpose as a mother will be diminished. They may also feel as though a new daughter in law will never be good enough for her son. Fathers can sometimes feel as though no man will ever measure up to the perfect man for their daughter.

     When couples marry, they also need to deal with having a very large pair of shoes to fill. If the couples come from families where they have gotten along with their parents, the other spouse may feel a bit of a tug of war or jealousy happening when "he" says, "my mother never cooked it that way."

     A new bride and a groom want to feel independent from their immediate family which is a good thing. They must be cognizant not to exclude the extended families as this will also create hurt heartache and sorrow.

     Sometimes the In-laws can feel like the Outlaws. This is a very challenging situation that if not dealt with soon, can turn toxic and tear apart a family. Through humility and being able to put yourself in the other persons shoes, it can become easier to meld together quickly.

     I am so blessed to have the absolute best in-laws. My children have married the greatest people ever. I even picked one of my Sons in Law out for my daughter and introduced them. My daughters in law are so amazing. I couldn't love them more if I had given birth to them. My parents in law are the greatest example of what a marriage should be and they are the kindest and most non-judgmental parents ever.

     My side of the family is just as great but some of my siblings can be a bit interesting at times. My parents are so wonderful and get along great with my husband. This makes family get-togethers so much fun and void of drama.

  

                   Oh the In-Laws

And then the Out-Laws

Head and neck above the others!

     In society today, there are defined roles or purposes of one sex or the other. In families, it can be apparent that either the father or the mother may play the dominant role.


     While each may have different duties and some may overlap, one will typically dominate when decisions are to be finalized. Sometimes fathers may be viewed as the disciplinarian and mothers, the nurturers. Let’s explore some reasons why this may be the case.


     In cases where the mother is a stay at home figure, mothers are the ones who carry the baby in their body and predominantly are the care providers. Fathers may be seen as the financial support and therefore spend less time interacting with the children due to daily work schedules.


     During and especially at the end of the day, the mother is frazzled and exhausted. She is going to give in more than a father might, especially when the father hasn’t had his patience tried all day. Fathers have a deeper voice which can set the tone of “I mean business.” Mothers, by nature, have a higher pitch and softer voice. This can make it a bit more difficult to be taken seriously if there isn’t constant follow through on the part of the mother.


     Children need a balance of both types. This must be consistent, and children need to see that both parents are on the “same page.” Children may try and pit one parent against the other so they can get what they want.


     Both parents should have equal say in how things are run, however, they also need to present a “United Front” to the children.


     In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, we are teasingly told that the man is the head of the home, but the woman is the neck that turns the head. I have always thought that saying was very applicable as well as hilarious.








       Head of the home                   Neck that turns the head

     When respect is given by both parents, the children will grow up in a much happier home life and will learn the essential skills they will need when they become parents.


     The Bishop has two counselors. They each have different duties. One does not hold more Priesthood than the other or possess more power than the other. The Bishop is like Heavenly Father and the head of our families while the two counselors are like the mom and dad. Each has different responsibilities with equal power.


     It’s a great plan when used properly. The problem lies when one parent fails to treat the other as an equal.

Come On Baby Light My Fire

As we discuss the topic of sex and how it relates to the overall desire between men and women, we find many different factors that can determine their overall differences as it relates to their "sexual peak."


There are varying reports that show men and women peak at different ages. This can sometimes make it difficult for couples to "be on the same page" so to speak. In our practice when couples come in with marital issues, invariably, sexual dysfunction is a common concern. One of the major issues is that they each have a complete set of reasons why they may or may not be interested in sex at the same time.


Women, for example, have hormones that seem to get "out of whack" with having children and with breastfeeding. In a report published in Healthy women, by Susan Kellogg Spadt, Ph.D, C.R.N.P., I.F., C.S.T. (Links to an external site.)we learn that "levels of estrogen are lower while breastfeeding. Estrogen is responsible for maintaining the moistness and flexibility of the vaginal lining, so if levels drop and the lining becomes dry and stiff, intercourse may be uncomfortable. Additionally, while you're breastfeeding your body produces higher levels of the hormone prolactin, which serves to reduce sexual desire. And, finally, levels of testosterone are also lower in breastfeeding women. This "male" hormone plays a role in a woman's overall libido." https://www.healthywomen.org/content/ask-expert/1371/breastfeeding-causing-diminished-sexual-desire. (Links to an external site.)Women need sleep during this time more than they desire sex. This can be difficult for men to understand as they are feeling that they are taking a "back seat" to children. Women may also have a significant decrease in Estrogen as well as Testosterone and need to have their levels checked.


Men, on the other hand, have reasons for their own lack or decrease in sexual desire. Their financial responsibilities and amount of time that they spend working can reduce their desire as well. We see quite a few patients in our office where men complain that they have sexual dysfunction. A lot of this is a decrease in Testosterone. When this is corrected they feel better about themselves and have a renewed desire for sex.


We know that men and women need to feel close to each other and having sexual desire is one way to stay connected. Men and women peak sexually at different ages which can be another factor in staying connected. We have a handout that we use with our patients to figure out how they see their relationship sexually and their marriage overall. I have attached it in case you would like to print it for your use.
https://byui.instructure.com/files/13703538/download?download_frd=1&verifier=nRBItEHVz7FtncEfJDjVqjnQMcUKFi3x3CLNKheY


The more we feel comfortable with our spouse, the more we will open up with them and share our wants and desires sexually. My husband and I are 62 and 66 and at our "old" age we have worked through our issues and are comfortable sharing our desires.


By keeping the commandments and communicating effectively, couples can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Gridlock and Beyond

So what do we do when we are in a gridlock situation and we have a desire to move past it. The following is what my husband and I do to solve issues that come up that we seem to be at an impasse with. We don't have to use this method often but when we do, it works out great.

1. Define the real issue by writing it down.

2. Take responsibility for our part in keeping the conflict going. What causes this issue to surface? What does each do that aggravates the problem? We recognize that no issue is completely one-sided.

3. Brainstorm several possible solutions to the problem. Don't evaluate them as you go, just write them down. All options are allowed at this stage. Do not stop until you have listed at least 5 solutions.

4. Try one of the solutions. Make sure you have been clear about your expectations. Who will do (or not do!) what? Be specific. "I will not get mad over..." is not a specific solution. "I will count to 10 before I speak" is more specific.

5. Set a time to evaluate your solution together. If the first solution is not working, be willing to try another solution from your list.

6. Thank each other for wanting to solve the problem. It is much easier to fight over issues than resolve them. If the issue surfaces again (and we know that perpetual issues will), remember that you are on the same team.

We actually have what is called a Solution Patch that we like to use. We cut out of paper, 6 petals about 2 inches high. We address the Gridlocked issue. Some behaviors that can be addressed are:

a. Frequency of Sex--setting the mood, privacy etc.

b. Whose putting the kids to bed.

c. A teen issue such as internet access, or curfew.

d. Who and how will finances be managed?

e. What kind of meals to fix.

We cut out a center circle for the petals to go around. We each write down 6 possible solutions for the issue at hand. We eliminate the duplicates and the ones that may be silly or unrealistic. Next, we talk about the different possibilities and prioritize them with the most popular at the top and put the second possibility clockwise next to the first one until all of the petals are around the center. Both agree to follow the solution patch to resolve the Gridlock.

                                                

                                              
Solution Patch
                                          

Conflict Resolution

     Many may say that they are right and want you to agree with their way of thinking. Conflict can arise very quickly with this kind of thought process. Arguments may ensue and feelings can get hurt. When we humble ourselves and listen to understand the other person, conflict can be resolved much quicker. When anger gets out of control, most times it can be contributed to the person feeling as though their issue is not being understood. As we use certain skills, we can be assured that we have heard correctly with no room for error. I have mentioned before that the "speaker-listener technique" is a great tool in all relationships, married or not. As we repeat to the other person, what we think we heard, it gives them the opportunity to either validate what we heard or correct us as to what they meant. One time my husband and I were driving and he made a comment. I, in turn, made another comment and he stated: "wow, that really hurt, is this what you meant?" I told him that he completely misunderstood what I meant and I clarified. Had I not done so, he would have maintained the incorrect thoughts he was having.


     Perpetual problems vs solvable problems are sometimes hard to distinguish. The majority of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. According to John M Gottman, Ph.D, 69% of problems fall into that category (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.) I believe that the lack of a humble heart and the desire to be selfless are the cure for such an ongoing disaster. When we look inward and take a realistic view of ourselves, then we can start to make the changes needed toward making our marriage better. Remember, you can only change yourself.


     When my children were little, I would hear squabbles about how one of their siblings "made them mad." I would correct them and tell them that "no one can make you mad, you either choose to be mad or you choose not to be mad." I used to tell them this so much that they would repeat it to as soon as they noticed that one of their siblings getting out of control. If you were to ask my children today, what they remember most about what their mother had taught them as a child, this information would be what they said.


A GENERAL COMMUNICATION FOR IMPROVEMENT FORMULA


My husband, Dr. David Brown Ph.D., created this handout that we give to our patients.


I like it when you...(find out what the other person heard that you like--did they hear correctly?)


I would like it if you would..., because... (find out what the other person heard that you would like--did they hear correctly?)


How do you feel about that? (verify that you heard the other person correctly)


Would you be willing to do that? (accept the other person's response--we're not clones of one another and the other person may have wants, preferences, and desires other than our own. When another is not willing to grant our request, appreciate/celebrate the other's uniqueness. We may learn from differences.)

                                          

The Downfall of a Prideful Heart

     Pride is one of the biggest causes of divorce second to finances which can also be contributed to with an abundance of pride. In our counseling practice, pride seems to be the common denominator in all marriage relationships that are struggling.  Trying to get one to see their faults is difficult enough but then couple that with sharing with the couples different ways to deal with it can be equally as challenging. It seems that the men that come to counseling with their wives or significant others have the hardest time dealing with recognizing that they are prideful.  Some believe that because they are the "man" in the relationship, they should have the last word and that their thoughts and feelings should carry more "weight." This faulty thinking is one that will keep us in business for a very long time.

     As we look deep within our own lives and assess our own value and worth, we can begin the process to a healthier mindset.  This, in turn, will allow us to celebrate others accomplishments and joy.  This can be accomplished through trials in our lives or through personal counseling.  We can start by searching the scriptures for answers.  What do we do if we're not a member of the church or know someone who is prideful and doesn't have the knowledge we have about the scriptures?  As a friend, we can help to point out the positive qualities that we or they possess. We become what we choose to focus on. When we constantly listen to negativity, discouraging thoughts from others, and focus on more of the bad in the world that the good, we will bring ourselves down and the negative feelings can propel us into feeling prideful.

     When we are humble or have become humbled, we allow ourselves to see others in a good light and are in a better position to let go of the pride that is destroying our spirit and our relationships.  Some of us need to evaluate ourselves more than others but I think we all need to check ourselves from time to time. 

     My husband is the perfect example of a humble spirit.  When I become prideful and think that my way is the only right way, he is very calm and helps me see the error of my ways.



                      

To Bid or not to Bid; that is the question.

As we develop our relationship with our spouse, there are many obstacles that come in the way. We have our own desires and activities that we want to engage in. They may or may not be a desire of our spouse. How do we find time to please our spouse and still find time for ourselves?


One of the first things that we need to understand is that we need to make our preferences known. According to Dr. Gottman, we need to "bid our spouse for each others attention, affection humor or support." A bid is an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (The 7 principles for making a marriage work pg 88). On page 89 Dr. Gottman continues to teach that it is very easy to accomplish. Dr. Gottman tells of a story where his wife Julie was grumbling about doing the laundry. Because, he was in tune with what her grumbling meant, and because he desired to turn toward her, he offered to help with the laundry.


I may ruffle a few feathers here, however, what Julie may have been doing, and if she was, could have been construed as "hint dropping". In the CD series by Dr. John Lund, LMFT, he cautions us about using passive-aggressive behavior and hint-dropping (For all Eternity: A Four-Talk Set to Strengthen Your Marriage).


Women seem to have this art down to a science and men don't like to guess what is wanted. Men prefer that we just ask them to do something or make our preferences known. This doesn't mean that our preferences will always be honored, but the chances are greater if our spouse doesn't have to try and "read between the lines." Dr. Lunds talks about a wife who walks over to the trash can and bends down to sniff the trash and states "This trash sure stinks." Just then, her husband walks over to the trash and smells it and says, "yep, sure does." This form of communication is called "Hint dropping." If the wife would just tell her husband that the trash smells bad and then ask him if he will please take it out, the chances are greater that this will happen. This is called content communicating. When we "bid" toward our spouse, we need to be sure that we are plainly stating what it is that we desire. My husband and I have made a pact to always make our preferences known by saying something like, I would appreciate it if we could go on a date this Friday. I am careful not to say "you never take me on a date anymore." When we use absolutes such as always and never, we are not "bidding" in the proper fashion. I messages are a simple way to have our desires heard. I would appreciate it, I prefer, I like it when, etc.


By incorporating these lessons into our own lives, we will see our marriages grow and develop into a more positive relationship overall. We need to "bid" properly. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.

                     

   Are we from the same planet?

   

When we meet someone, we spend a lot of time talking with each other. When we get more serious, will stay up late in to the wee hours of the morning and never run out of things to say. The night I met my husband, we stayed awake until the sun came up talking about everything we could think of. Although we don't have that luxury anymore, we still love to spend time talking. We work together and are with each other 24/7 so we have a lot of time to interact but at 11:00 at night, we can be a little tired so we utilize the weekends the best we can. In the beginning couples can perceive everything the other does is so cute and we tend to overlook the things that may bother us later in life. We both tend to do for the other person all that we can to please them and to show them how much we love them and appreciate them. Our focus is constantly on the positive. We speak kindly and do what we can to make them feel important with what they have to say.


As we venture into marriage, there is what is called the "honeymoon phase." This phase can last for quite a while depending on how we treat the other person. We still think that the other is funny and we appreciate the cute little way that they chew their food.


Next comes real life. Bills start to pile up, in laws are in our lives more, and perhaps a baby is on the way. We quit taking care of ourselves and we stop focusing on all the reasons we got married in the first place. What we choose to focus on will ultimately determine how we feel and then act/react toward each other. When my husband and I married, everything was great and still is, however, I started to allow other things in life to take precedence and I became very stressed and tired. I started focusing on the things that annoyed me and not all the positive qualities that he possesses. Luckily, that only lasted a very short time and he still thinks I'm great.


If we can stop and evaluate what we were doing in the first place when we met that attracted us to each other, we will be able to let the little things that irritate us, become less significant. What can we do to rekindle the relationship that we once had? Finding fault is a sure way to destroy a marriage. According to John Gottman, Ph.D., there is a 5:1 ration that states you need 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction in order for relations to stay together. When this doesn't happen you can be on the road to an unhappy marriage.


From my own personal experience and from seeing how our counseling patients view dating, I have learned that by focusing on the positives about each other, we can succeed. Continuing with our courtship is essential as it keeps us in a positive and fun mindset. One of the basic rules in dating is to make a pact not to talk about problems. Dating is for bonding and for fun. Serving each other will build a bond between the two of you. Come up with some ways to do creative dating. My husband and I have a lunch sack with 3 strips of colored paper in them. We each came up with 10 dates. On the red strips of paper, we list 10 different places to eat. On the yellow paper, we listed 10 activities to choose from and on the green paper, we listed 10 places to go for dessert. We put them in our own sacks. Each week we take turns choosing from a bag, one of each color. The rule is that we do whatever is picked and be sure NOT to complain. We may choose not to do that activity again but we must participate with a happy heart.


Sometimes married couples will do things for the other person that they want done for themselves. While this is charitable, it may not be what the other is looking for. We've all heard of the 5 love languages. It's imperative that we learn to speak the language of our spouse in order to connect according to Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of the 5 love languages. A great exercise to learning about what you can do for your spouse to please them is for both of you to make a list of 25 little behaviors that the other person can do for you to show you that they love and appreciate you. This example is taught by my husband David Brown, Ph.D. Once you make your lists, trade with your spouse and choose things off the list on a daily basis. Men especially appreciate this activity as it takes all the guess work out of how to please their wife.


The way women and men view things is usually very different. Women think emotional and men typically think logically. When we communicate with each other in our own styles,we can begin to wonder if were from the same planet. On a future blog post I will share some ideas on content communicating.

         

Conflict vs Communication

     We all have conflict in our lives at one time or another.  If we didn't, things would be a little "Truman Show" like.  Some conflict we engage in is due to ourselves and some is out of our control.  However, the way we deal with conflict is completely ours to own and deal with appropriately.

      Many times when we find conflict in our lives, we can look inward and see if our conflict is self inflicted.  When we have conflict, it may be due to the impression that we don't feel heard or appreciated. Sometimes we have a difference of opinion and we believe that people should agree with our ideas.  When they don't, we may feel at odds or in a conflicting  situation with someone else.
We all want to be heard and have our thought and feelings validated.  Some of us may go to extremes and force our opinions on others as a way of validating ourselves.  When we learn proper communicating skills, we can get our point across in a way that can be seen in a positive way.

    One of the most important aspects of communication is how effectively we listen.  Do we listen just long enough to give ourselves time to formulate our next defensive comeback?  Do we listen with the desire to hear and understand.  When we repeat to the other person what we think we heard them say, we can be sure we heard correctly and there will be fewer misunderstandings and misinterpretations. By repeating to the other person exactly what we think we heard them say, we aren't necessarily agreeing with their point of view, we are just acknowledging that we heard them and that we understand what they are saying.  As we listen to the tone of their voice, the non-verbal observations and the words that are used.  We can say things like, "your scowl seems to say that you disagree." "Looks like you are really upset." Be sure you are able to name the feeling such as angry, mad, sad, disappointed, excited, pleased, relieved, happy etc.

     If you have something important that you want to discuss, choose a time that the individual will more likely talk with you. when there will not be distractions or interruptions. Begin with open ended questions such as "What has been the best part of your day so far?" followed up with "what made that so enjoyable?"

     Before you decide to help someone with a problem, ask him/her if he/she would like your help.  Unsolicited help is rarely welcome.

     When you express your feelings, take responsibility, and use "I" instead of blaming with a "you." "I would like/ prefer..." "I would appreciate..."  Avoid absolutes, "You always...You never...Every-time, you..." and avoid making your preferences. other's "shoulds."

     This method is called the speaker-listener technique.  I messages when coupled with repeating what you think you heard them say, can make communication so much more effective.

     Say what you mean and mean what you say.  In other words, "own your words."

A talking stick is another form of effective communicating. I will go over that in a future blog.  Stay tuned for that great bit of information.

Are you in a Covenant or Contractual Marriage?

     While both are legal in the eyes of the law, a covenant marriage is more of a commitment-based marriage. When we enter into a commitment marriage, we are promising to be with that person regardless of circumstance. Our vows are a covenant in that we are not professing our commitment based on what the other person will do for us. We offer ourselves to them as a gift without the requirement of return. If we did require a return, that would be a contractual marriage only. Most marriages are part contractual and part covenant.


     When we fully commit, we agree to stay with someone regardless how easy or difficult life becomes. We don’t bail on the relationship when things don’t go as we had hoped. Commitment is an attitude. If we truly decide that we are really in it for the “long haul”, we will find it easier to work at our marriage when things get tough. Children are the ones who ultimately lose when parents decide to divorce. There are far more side effects for the children than the parents (providing parents aren't divorcing due to abuse) once they divorce. I will be addressing this in detail in a future blog.


     How do we deal with a marriage when your spouse decides that they don’t want to be with you? Do we give up or do we fight for what we have? Are we willing to take a hard look at our situation and see what we can do to make the situation better? If we remember that we can only control ourselves and not the other person, we will have a much easier time dealing with restoring that which is failing. No one can make us mad, we either choose to be mad or choose not to be. The choice is all up to us. I will address more about this in a future blog post.

Marriage Title vs Partner Relationship

Social Ideology, which are social beliefs, need to be influenced to be returned to actual titles such as Partner Relationships and not marriage. Getting Legislature to change what they call such will be quite an undertaking.


While you can be tolerant of such relationships, the definition should not be reflected by sharing the title of Marriage. I have friends that are same sex and are legally "married" in the eyes of the judicial system in San Francisco. I do not see them as married because I define the term marriage as being between a man and a woman. Even if one of them had a sex change and then joined into a legal relationship, I would still not consider them married. You cannot change DNA no matter how you change genitalia.


I don't think we should be forced to "make a cake" for anyone that we choose not to as in the situation where the bakery owners were fined for refusing to bake and decorate a cake for a same sex couple for their marriage. If restaurants can post that they "reserve the right to refuse service to anyone they choose", then I think that should hold true for anyone who decides not to participate in any way in support of a same sex union.


As we learn tolerance for each other, we need to be respectful of each other's lifestyles as long as they don't infringe on our right not to participate. We can be kind and appreciative of their relationship without agreeing with it.


Sometimes we just need to agree to disagree while being respectful.

The Grass is Greener Where You Water It.

 The Grass is Greener Where You Water It.                         

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

     Do you ever look next door and see your neighbor's lawn and covet that well manicured green pasture? Do you think that he or she must have some extra special miracle fertilizer they use to get their lawn looking spectacular?

     What you don't see are the countless hours that that lawn owner put into having an underground sprinkler system that is second to none and for spending countless hours researching the proper watering schedule and the proper nutrients necessary in creating that spectacular lawn.
 
     How many times have you heard someone say that the "Grass is greener on the other side" as regards a relationship? There are those that believe they could be happy if they just had that person they just met to become their spouse instead of the one they currently have. The fallacy to that is that they may not realize that they will have to put work into that relationship in order to make it successful.
 
     What may not be realized is that "The Grass is Greener Where You Water It." What that  means is whatever situation or relationship you think may be better somewhere else will also have to be nurtured and pruned or it will die as well.

     When we focus on our own lawn and give it the nutrients it needs, we can have a lawn that is just as beautiful and our neighbor.  Likewise, if we put as much effort into our own marriage as we do into trying to create another relationship, we will have a successful marriage as well.

     Some may think that because they have great conversation with another person that they are meant for each other.  They may remember the time that they spent long hours talking with their spouse in the beginning.  This is one thing that drew each of them close to each other.  I have found that those who quit talking, tend to drift apart. When couples stop interacting with each other or dating, they also tend to drift apart.  There is a honeymoon phase that develops in all new relationships that can skew the accurate perception of a new found relationship which can ultimately give the impression that they would be happier with this other person who laughs at their jokes, asks about their dreams and goals and shares similar desires.

     People fail to realize that by taking the time to focus on what they want instead of what they don't want, they will be successful in whatever they set out to accomplish. Marriage is a lot of constant effort but one that is to be fun and enjoyable.  What are we doing to make sure that our own "Grass is Greener Where WE Water it?"

     Stay tuned for my next blog post for some great ideas on how to accomplish this. See you soon!!!