To Bid or not to Bid; that is the question.

As we develop our relationship with our spouse, there are many obstacles that come in the way. We have our own desires and activities that we want to engage in. They may or may not be a desire of our spouse. How do we find time to please our spouse and still find time for ourselves?


One of the first things that we need to understand is that we need to make our preferences known. According to Dr. Gottman, we need to "bid our spouse for each others attention, affection humor or support." A bid is an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (The 7 principles for making a marriage work pg 88). On page 89 Dr. Gottman continues to teach that it is very easy to accomplish. Dr. Gottman tells of a story where his wife Julie was grumbling about doing the laundry. Because, he was in tune with what her grumbling meant, and because he desired to turn toward her, he offered to help with the laundry.


I may ruffle a few feathers here, however, what Julie may have been doing, and if she was, could have been construed as "hint dropping". In the CD series by Dr. John Lund, LMFT, he cautions us about using passive-aggressive behavior and hint-dropping (For all Eternity: A Four-Talk Set to Strengthen Your Marriage).


Women seem to have this art down to a science and men don't like to guess what is wanted. Men prefer that we just ask them to do something or make our preferences known. This doesn't mean that our preferences will always be honored, but the chances are greater if our spouse doesn't have to try and "read between the lines." Dr. Lunds talks about a wife who walks over to the trash can and bends down to sniff the trash and states "This trash sure stinks." Just then, her husband walks over to the trash and smells it and says, "yep, sure does." This form of communication is called "Hint dropping." If the wife would just tell her husband that the trash smells bad and then ask him if he will please take it out, the chances are greater that this will happen. This is called content communicating. When we "bid" toward our spouse, we need to be sure that we are plainly stating what it is that we desire. My husband and I have made a pact to always make our preferences known by saying something like, I would appreciate it if we could go on a date this Friday. I am careful not to say "you never take me on a date anymore." When we use absolutes such as always and never, we are not "bidding" in the proper fashion. I messages are a simple way to have our desires heard. I would appreciate it, I prefer, I like it when, etc.


By incorporating these lessons into our own lives, we will see our marriages grow and develop into a more positive relationship overall. We need to "bid" properly. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.