Are we from the same planet?

   

When we meet someone, we spend a lot of time talking with each other. When we get more serious, will stay up late in to the wee hours of the morning and never run out of things to say. The night I met my husband, we stayed awake until the sun came up talking about everything we could think of. Although we don't have that luxury anymore, we still love to spend time talking. We work together and are with each other 24/7 so we have a lot of time to interact but at 11:00 at night, we can be a little tired so we utilize the weekends the best we can. In the beginning couples can perceive everything the other does is so cute and we tend to overlook the things that may bother us later in life. We both tend to do for the other person all that we can to please them and to show them how much we love them and appreciate them. Our focus is constantly on the positive. We speak kindly and do what we can to make them feel important with what they have to say.


As we venture into marriage, there is what is called the "honeymoon phase." This phase can last for quite a while depending on how we treat the other person. We still think that the other is funny and we appreciate the cute little way that they chew their food.


Next comes real life. Bills start to pile up, in laws are in our lives more, and perhaps a baby is on the way. We quit taking care of ourselves and we stop focusing on all the reasons we got married in the first place. What we choose to focus on will ultimately determine how we feel and then act/react toward each other. When my husband and I married, everything was great and still is, however, I started to allow other things in life to take precedence and I became very stressed and tired. I started focusing on the things that annoyed me and not all the positive qualities that he possesses. Luckily, that only lasted a very short time and he still thinks I'm great.


If we can stop and evaluate what we were doing in the first place when we met that attracted us to each other, we will be able to let the little things that irritate us, become less significant. What can we do to rekindle the relationship that we once had? Finding fault is a sure way to destroy a marriage. According to John Gottman, Ph.D., there is a 5:1 ration that states you need 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction in order for relations to stay together. When this doesn't happen you can be on the road to an unhappy marriage.


From my own personal experience and from seeing how our counseling patients view dating, I have learned that by focusing on the positives about each other, we can succeed. Continuing with our courtship is essential as it keeps us in a positive and fun mindset. One of the basic rules in dating is to make a pact not to talk about problems. Dating is for bonding and for fun. Serving each other will build a bond between the two of you. Come up with some ways to do creative dating. My husband and I have a lunch sack with 3 strips of colored paper in them. We each came up with 10 dates. On the red strips of paper, we list 10 different places to eat. On the yellow paper, we listed 10 activities to choose from and on the green paper, we listed 10 places to go for dessert. We put them in our own sacks. Each week we take turns choosing from a bag, one of each color. The rule is that we do whatever is picked and be sure NOT to complain. We may choose not to do that activity again but we must participate with a happy heart.


Sometimes married couples will do things for the other person that they want done for themselves. While this is charitable, it may not be what the other is looking for. We've all heard of the 5 love languages. It's imperative that we learn to speak the language of our spouse in order to connect according to Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of the 5 love languages. A great exercise to learning about what you can do for your spouse to please them is for both of you to make a list of 25 little behaviors that the other person can do for you to show you that they love and appreciate you. This example is taught by my husband David Brown, Ph.D. Once you make your lists, trade with your spouse and choose things off the list on a daily basis. Men especially appreciate this activity as it takes all the guess work out of how to please their wife.


The way women and men view things is usually very different. Women think emotional and men typically think logically. When we communicate with each other in our own styles,we can begin to wonder if were from the same planet. On a future blog post I will share some ideas on content communicating.