Conflict vs Communication

     We all have conflict in our lives at one time or another.  If we didn't, things would be a little "Truman Show" like.  Some conflict we engage in is due to ourselves and some is out of our control.  However, the way we deal with conflict is completely ours to own and deal with appropriately.

      Many times when we find conflict in our lives, we can look inward and see if our conflict is self inflicted.  When we have conflict, it may be due to the impression that we don't feel heard or appreciated. Sometimes we have a difference of opinion and we believe that people should agree with our ideas.  When they don't, we may feel at odds or in a conflicting  situation with someone else.
We all want to be heard and have our thought and feelings validated.  Some of us may go to extremes and force our opinions on others as a way of validating ourselves.  When we learn proper communicating skills, we can get our point across in a way that can be seen in a positive way.

    One of the most important aspects of communication is how effectively we listen.  Do we listen just long enough to give ourselves time to formulate our next defensive comeback?  Do we listen with the desire to hear and understand.  When we repeat to the other person what we think we heard them say, we can be sure we heard correctly and there will be fewer misunderstandings and misinterpretations. By repeating to the other person exactly what we think we heard them say, we aren't necessarily agreeing with their point of view, we are just acknowledging that we heard them and that we understand what they are saying.  As we listen to the tone of their voice, the non-verbal observations and the words that are used.  We can say things like, "your scowl seems to say that you disagree." "Looks like you are really upset." Be sure you are able to name the feeling such as angry, mad, sad, disappointed, excited, pleased, relieved, happy etc.

     If you have something important that you want to discuss, choose a time that the individual will more likely talk with you. when there will not be distractions or interruptions. Begin with open ended questions such as "What has been the best part of your day so far?" followed up with "what made that so enjoyable?"

     Before you decide to help someone with a problem, ask him/her if he/she would like your help.  Unsolicited help is rarely welcome.

     When you express your feelings, take responsibility, and use "I" instead of blaming with a "you." "I would like/ prefer..." "I would appreciate..."  Avoid absolutes, "You always...You never...Every-time, you..." and avoid making your preferences. other's "shoulds."

     This method is called the speaker-listener technique.  I messages when coupled with repeating what you think you heard them say, can make communication so much more effective.

     Say what you mean and mean what you say.  In other words, "own your words."

A talking stick is another form of effective communicating. I will go over that in a future blog.  Stay tuned for that great bit of information.