Conflict Resolution

     Many may say that they are right and want you to agree with their way of thinking. Conflict can arise very quickly with this kind of thought process. Arguments may ensue and feelings can get hurt. When we humble ourselves and listen to understand the other person, conflict can be resolved much quicker. When anger gets out of control, most times it can be contributed to the person feeling as though their issue is not being understood. As we use certain skills, we can be assured that we have heard correctly with no room for error. I have mentioned before that the "speaker-listener technique" is a great tool in all relationships, married or not. As we repeat to the other person, what we think we heard, it gives them the opportunity to either validate what we heard or correct us as to what they meant. One time my husband and I were driving and he made a comment. I, in turn, made another comment and he stated: "wow, that really hurt, is this what you meant?" I told him that he completely misunderstood what I meant and I clarified. Had I not done so, he would have maintained the incorrect thoughts he was having.


     Perpetual problems vs solvable problems are sometimes hard to distinguish. The majority of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. According to John M Gottman, Ph.D, 69% of problems fall into that category (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.) I believe that the lack of a humble heart and the desire to be selfless are the cure for such an ongoing disaster. When we look inward and take a realistic view of ourselves, then we can start to make the changes needed toward making our marriage better. Remember, you can only change yourself.


     When my children were little, I would hear squabbles about how one of their siblings "made them mad." I would correct them and tell them that "no one can make you mad, you either choose to be mad or you choose not to be mad." I used to tell them this so much that they would repeat it to as soon as they noticed that one of their siblings getting out of control. If you were to ask my children today, what they remember most about what their mother had taught them as a child, this information would be what they said.


A GENERAL COMMUNICATION FOR IMPROVEMENT FORMULA


My husband, Dr. David Brown Ph.D., created this handout that we give to our patients.


I like it when you...(find out what the other person heard that you like--did they hear correctly?)


I would like it if you would..., because... (find out what the other person heard that you would like--did they hear correctly?)


How do you feel about that? (verify that you heard the other person correctly)


Would you be willing to do that? (accept the other person's response--we're not clones of one another and the other person may have wants, preferences, and desires other than our own. When another is not willing to grant our request, appreciate/celebrate the other's uniqueness. We may learn from differences.)