Gridlock and Beyond

So what do we do when we are in a gridlock situation and we have a desire to move past it. The following is what my husband and I do to solve issues that come up that we seem to be at an impasse with. We don't have to use this method often but when we do, it works out great.

1. Define the real issue by writing it down.

2. Take responsibility for our part in keeping the conflict going. What causes this issue to surface? What does each do that aggravates the problem? We recognize that no issue is completely one-sided.

3. Brainstorm several possible solutions to the problem. Don't evaluate them as you go, just write them down. All options are allowed at this stage. Do not stop until you have listed at least 5 solutions.

4. Try one of the solutions. Make sure you have been clear about your expectations. Who will do (or not do!) what? Be specific. "I will not get mad over..." is not a specific solution. "I will count to 10 before I speak" is more specific.

5. Set a time to evaluate your solution together. If the first solution is not working, be willing to try another solution from your list.

6. Thank each other for wanting to solve the problem. It is much easier to fight over issues than resolve them. If the issue surfaces again (and we know that perpetual issues will), remember that you are on the same team.

We actually have what is called a Solution Patch that we like to use. We cut out of paper, 6 petals about 2 inches high. We address the Gridlocked issue. Some behaviors that can be addressed are:

a. Frequency of Sex--setting the mood, privacy etc.

b. Whose putting the kids to bed.

c. A teen issue such as internet access, or curfew.

d. Who and how will finances be managed?

e. What kind of meals to fix.

We cut out a center circle for the petals to go around. We each write down 6 possible solutions for the issue at hand. We eliminate the duplicates and the ones that may be silly or unrealistic. Next, we talk about the different possibilities and prioritize them with the most popular at the top and put the second possibility clockwise next to the first one until all of the petals are around the center. Both agree to follow the solution patch to resolve the Gridlock.

                                                

                                              
Solution Patch
                                          

Conflict Resolution

     Many may say that they are right and want you to agree with their way of thinking. Conflict can arise very quickly with this kind of thought process. Arguments may ensue and feelings can get hurt. When we humble ourselves and listen to understand the other person, conflict can be resolved much quicker. When anger gets out of control, most times it can be contributed to the person feeling as though their issue is not being understood. As we use certain skills, we can be assured that we have heard correctly with no room for error. I have mentioned before that the "speaker-listener technique" is a great tool in all relationships, married or not. As we repeat to the other person, what we think we heard, it gives them the opportunity to either validate what we heard or correct us as to what they meant. One time my husband and I were driving and he made a comment. I, in turn, made another comment and he stated: "wow, that really hurt, is this what you meant?" I told him that he completely misunderstood what I meant and I clarified. Had I not done so, he would have maintained the incorrect thoughts he was having.


     Perpetual problems vs solvable problems are sometimes hard to distinguish. The majority of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. According to John M Gottman, Ph.D, 69% of problems fall into that category (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.) I believe that the lack of a humble heart and the desire to be selfless are the cure for such an ongoing disaster. When we look inward and take a realistic view of ourselves, then we can start to make the changes needed toward making our marriage better. Remember, you can only change yourself.


     When my children were little, I would hear squabbles about how one of their siblings "made them mad." I would correct them and tell them that "no one can make you mad, you either choose to be mad or you choose not to be mad." I used to tell them this so much that they would repeat it to as soon as they noticed that one of their siblings getting out of control. If you were to ask my children today, what they remember most about what their mother had taught them as a child, this information would be what they said.


A GENERAL COMMUNICATION FOR IMPROVEMENT FORMULA


My husband, Dr. David Brown Ph.D., created this handout that we give to our patients.


I like it when you...(find out what the other person heard that you like--did they hear correctly?)


I would like it if you would..., because... (find out what the other person heard that you would like--did they hear correctly?)


How do you feel about that? (verify that you heard the other person correctly)


Would you be willing to do that? (accept the other person's response--we're not clones of one another and the other person may have wants, preferences, and desires other than our own. When another is not willing to grant our request, appreciate/celebrate the other's uniqueness. We may learn from differences.)

                                          

The Downfall of a Prideful Heart

     Pride is one of the biggest causes of divorce second to finances which can also be contributed to with an abundance of pride. In our counseling practice, pride seems to be the common denominator in all marriage relationships that are struggling.  Trying to get one to see their faults is difficult enough but then couple that with sharing with the couples different ways to deal with it can be equally as challenging. It seems that the men that come to counseling with their wives or significant others have the hardest time dealing with recognizing that they are prideful.  Some believe that because they are the "man" in the relationship, they should have the last word and that their thoughts and feelings should carry more "weight." This faulty thinking is one that will keep us in business for a very long time.

     As we look deep within our own lives and assess our own value and worth, we can begin the process to a healthier mindset.  This, in turn, will allow us to celebrate others accomplishments and joy.  This can be accomplished through trials in our lives or through personal counseling.  We can start by searching the scriptures for answers.  What do we do if we're not a member of the church or know someone who is prideful and doesn't have the knowledge we have about the scriptures?  As a friend, we can help to point out the positive qualities that we or they possess. We become what we choose to focus on. When we constantly listen to negativity, discouraging thoughts from others, and focus on more of the bad in the world that the good, we will bring ourselves down and the negative feelings can propel us into feeling prideful.

     When we are humble or have become humbled, we allow ourselves to see others in a good light and are in a better position to let go of the pride that is destroying our spirit and our relationships.  Some of us need to evaluate ourselves more than others but I think we all need to check ourselves from time to time. 

     My husband is the perfect example of a humble spirit.  When I become prideful and think that my way is the only right way, he is very calm and helps me see the error of my ways.



                      

To Bid or not to Bid; that is the question.

As we develop our relationship with our spouse, there are many obstacles that come in the way. We have our own desires and activities that we want to engage in. They may or may not be a desire of our spouse. How do we find time to please our spouse and still find time for ourselves?


One of the first things that we need to understand is that we need to make our preferences known. According to Dr. Gottman, we need to "bid our spouse for each others attention, affection humor or support." A bid is an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection or any other positive connection. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (The 7 principles for making a marriage work pg 88). On page 89 Dr. Gottman continues to teach that it is very easy to accomplish. Dr. Gottman tells of a story where his wife Julie was grumbling about doing the laundry. Because, he was in tune with what her grumbling meant, and because he desired to turn toward her, he offered to help with the laundry.


I may ruffle a few feathers here, however, what Julie may have been doing, and if she was, could have been construed as "hint dropping". In the CD series by Dr. John Lund, LMFT, he cautions us about using passive-aggressive behavior and hint-dropping (For all Eternity: A Four-Talk Set to Strengthen Your Marriage).


Women seem to have this art down to a science and men don't like to guess what is wanted. Men prefer that we just ask them to do something or make our preferences known. This doesn't mean that our preferences will always be honored, but the chances are greater if our spouse doesn't have to try and "read between the lines." Dr. Lunds talks about a wife who walks over to the trash can and bends down to sniff the trash and states "This trash sure stinks." Just then, her husband walks over to the trash and smells it and says, "yep, sure does." This form of communication is called "Hint dropping." If the wife would just tell her husband that the trash smells bad and then ask him if he will please take it out, the chances are greater that this will happen. This is called content communicating. When we "bid" toward our spouse, we need to be sure that we are plainly stating what it is that we desire. My husband and I have made a pact to always make our preferences known by saying something like, I would appreciate it if we could go on a date this Friday. I am careful not to say "you never take me on a date anymore." When we use absolutes such as always and never, we are not "bidding" in the proper fashion. I messages are a simple way to have our desires heard. I would appreciate it, I prefer, I like it when, etc.


By incorporating these lessons into our own lives, we will see our marriages grow and develop into a more positive relationship overall. We need to "bid" properly. If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.