Families Are Forever

What is so important about having or being in a family?  It gives us a sense of belonging, an assurance that we have someone to be there for us when times are rough.  It allows us the ability to feel connected and to have someone to share our hopes and dreams with.  

Sometimes we have great families and sometimes we have dysfunctional families. But in the end, they are our family. As we learn how to work together in our families, we will learn certain abilities that can help us in all aspects of our lives. By learning conflict resolution skills, how to share, how to keep secrets, cook, clean and serve, we will be able to utilize these skills as we work in environments that may be less than desirable. 

Each family is unique in that they may be big or small and may be spread out across the lands but they are still our family and as we learn to love each member in spite of their differences, we can bond and be grateful for the support system we are blessed with. According to Daniel K. Judd from our text, he believes that "Latter-day scripture and the words of latter-day prophets teach us that not only are covenant marriages intended to last beyond the grave but so can sibling and family relationships endure across generation."  We need to be cognizant of how we treat our immediate family and extended family members at all times. 

As families work together, we can be appreciative that our family can be together forever, and we can learn to love and to forgive.  There are obviously going to be events in families that can drive a wedge between us if we allow it. As we humble ourselves and learn to forgive, we will find a softening of our hearts and strive to become closer as a family unit. 

Judd, Daniel K. “The Eternal Family: A Plain and Precious Part of the Plan of Salvation.” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 32 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Prayer is the Souls Sincere Desire...

Do your prayers bounce off the ceiling?

Is there a God, or am I just wasting my time speaking to the air? We all hope that there is a Higher Power that hears and answers us.  We all want to be comforted and assured that we are loved.  In the time of trouble and uncertainty, it is of great assurance to me that I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows me personally and cares about the minute details of my life. 

What kinds of things can we pray for? We can pray for the unity of our Country, for our President of the United States as well as the Church. We can pray for health and strength, to overcome sickness, to be protected, to do well in work and school.  We can pray for the lack of others.  As you can see there is a myriad of things we can pray for. What about praying for only thankfulness? We can pray while thanking our Heavenly Father for the safety we received throughout the day, for the health and strength we receive, for all the general blessings we have. 

We can pray individually and together as a couple or a family. When we pray together, we are united and will feel a sense of togetherness. As we pray collectively, we have the faith of others that can help us in our quest for the blessings we desire. Nathan Lambert, from our text, teaches that "A key aspect of coming to view a relationship as sacred is to first include God as an active member of the relationship." We can never go wrong with the Lord on our side. 

As we study things out in our minds, we can make decisions based on what we feel is right and then we kneel and pray for assurance or lack thereof regarding our choice. One of my favorite songs in "Prayer is the Soul's Sincere Desire" from the LDS Hymnal number 145.  It states, Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, uttered or unexpressed, the motion of a hidden fire that trembles in the breast. 

As we incorporate prayer into our lives, we will have the sweet feeling that someone cares about us and is always there when we need it.

Lambert, Nathan M. “Sanctification and Cooperation: How Prayer Helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times.” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 19 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

As Sands Through The Hourglass

As Sands Through The Hourglass

So are the days of our lives

     We each have someone in our lives that is older than we are.  They may be a few years or many years. Those of us that have family members that are much older, may be responsible for their care in one way or another. How do we deal with this on a weekly or daily basis? 

     As a child, we had our needs met but one or two parents.  They may have had good days and bad.  So it is the same in caring for an elderly family member. There are many factors when caring for an aged loved one.  We must be sure that self-care is part of our daily routine. 

     In an article by Margot Lester (2019), she shares some things that we need to consider.  Our parents may be anxious and depressed.  Remember, They have just lost their independence.  This can be quite a challenge for all involved. We must be cognizant of our personal limitations and not try and take on too much. She suggests keeping a daily journal so that we can vent our positive as well as negative feelings.  This will allow us the opportunity to get things off our chest. Even if you don't plan on using an assisted living facility, check some out anyway.  Download apps on your phone such as Lyft and GrubHub.  Set timers to remind you to check in on them. Meditate even 10 minutes a day.  This will give you some much-needed stress-reducing time for yourself. 

     It will be important to remember that your parents took care of you and loved you know matter what.  Be patient with them and repeat things a million times if necessary. Remember, they taught you how to tie your shoes and use a fork and spoon.

     With today's parents having fewer children, most parents are finished with their day-to-day parenting responsibilities before they become grandparents.  Consequently, the grandparenting role has become more salient as grandparents are able to focus considerable attention on their grandchildren." Chapter 17, Supporting Families.

Lester, Margot, (October 2019) 6 Tips to Care for an Aging Parent from Caregivers.  Retrieved from https://www.guideposts.prt/caregiving/resource-center/6-tipe-to-care-for-an aging-parent-from-caregivers?gclid=CjwKCAjw3-bzBRBhEiwAgnnLCupSqHfPBzI7E5w3Sbo0Shb76423G4jYIaDFmYBz-2ZeMv7-tJT_hoCv20QAvD_BwE

Miller, Richard B., and Yourason, Jeremy B. “Supporting Families across Generations” Chapter 17  (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 17 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Parenting with Love--How to love them when you don't really like them.

Parenting with Love

      Children can be our biggest joy and our greatest sorrow.  When they are first placed in our arms as our new and perfect creation, we feel the most love we have ever felt in our lives.  That love grows leaps and bounds as time goes on. 

     Then before you know it comes the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, endless feedings, hormone catastrophes, and demands from the rest of the world.  What happened to that euphoric feeling we had seconds after their birth? LIFE!!! 

     So what do we do now? We have just encountered this little angel in the terrible twos and they tell us that they hate us.  How do we feel and what do we do? We can feel a rush of anger, disappointment, disbelief that such a tiny creature could spew such ugliness or we can take a step back and understand their frustration and choose to love them anyway.  

     While we always love our children, we may not always like them. Think about that for a moment. Is it them we don't like, or their behavior that we abhor?  The latter is hopefully the correct response. How do we separate the two? When we remember that our Heavenly Father may feel the same way, it gives us hope that we can become more loving and forgiving like He is.

     In our text, chapt 10 (Successful marriages...)  we learn "Although consequences are important to the learning process, punishment is not always the answer to misbehavior. Seeking to understand the underlying causes of the misbehavior can help parents treat the core problem and not just react to symptoms."

     How do we survive the terrible two's, tweens and teens? There is a great course called Love and Logic that I highly recommend for anyone thinking of becoming a parent or already a parent.  This course will teach you the tricks of the trade as you gain a greater understanding as you utilize effective parenting on a greater level than you ever thought possible.

     Children need consistency and actually thrive on it.  As we provide them with the security of knowing how things are supposed to be, they will be better equipped to do what we expect. This idea can sometimes be easier for fathers because they aren't spending all day long with the children and being emotionally worn down. 

     When we emotionally and physically take care of ourselves, we will have the strength to be more loving and forgiving of our children.  

     Hang in there and before you know it, the greatest joys will be yours....Grandchildren!!!

Hart, Craig H., Newell, Lloyd D., Ha, Julie H. “Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 10 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

     

Should I keep trying to work it out?

     What do I do when I am trying everything possible to make it work and he/she isn't? One of the first things to remember is that you can only control you.  Specifically, you can only control what you think (how long you dwell on a thought), how you choose to feel about a certain situation or thought, and finally what you choose to do about those thoughts.

     No one can make you mad, you either choose to be mad or you choose not to be mad.  If you choose to be mad, then own it and take responsibility for your feelings.  How long do you plan on staying in this place is totally up to you.

     While we would like the other person to think like us and to make choices that are in line with our desires, that may or may not be the case.  What to do then?

     How long do you stay in a marriage when you see no sincere effort on the other side?  There are a lot of factors that may weigh into this decision.  It should never be taken lightly. Some thoughts to help in this decision may include the following:
     a. How long have you been married?
     b. Do you have children in common?
     c. Are you choosing to love them anyway (we will address this later)?
     d. Are you financially able to care for yourself?
     e. Do you have a support network?
     f. Does your spouse indicate that they have no desire to work it out?
     g. Have you prayed with your spouse daily for at least a month?
     h. Have you prayed individually on a daily basis?
     i. Are you sealed in the Temple?
     j. Is there abuse in your relationship?
     k. Have you tried marriage counseling?
     l. Are you giving 5 positives to every 1 negative interaction? This is the Key to success.

These questions are going to have a direct impact on how and what you decide to do in your relationship. I can't answer for you what you should do but it is important that you do all in your power before you sever your marriage thinking that the "Grass is Greener on the Other Side".  I can assure you that you will have weeds there too and you will have to mow it as well.  When we realize that "The Grass is Greener Where You Water It", we can refocus and sort out what we can and are willing to work on. Which couple are you going to be?

In Chapter 8 of Successful Marriages we learn that "it is important for those at the crossroads of divorce to surround themselves with a network of friends and family who will support their efforts to repair and strengthen their marriage rather than urge them to abandon the marriage."

                                                                                                                                                  

Hawkins, Alan J. and Fackrel, Tamara “ A.Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 3 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Temples and the Importance of Keeping Sacred Covenants

A Temple covenant is something that should never be taken lightly.  A covenant is a two-way promise that you make with your Heavenly Father. We know he will always keep his side of the agreement, the rest is up to us. 

As we actively pursue obtaining a Temple recommend and maintaining our worthiness, we will find our lives are blessed beyond measure.  This does not mean, however, that our lives will be free of struggles and trials. Sometimes the harder we try, it seems as though things go in a direction that we hadn't planned on. 

What do we do if we live in a place where no Temple is available for us to attend or there is no financial way for us to travel? It is important that we prepare spiritually and meet with your local leader and obtain a worthy recommend anyway.  We need to be prepared at all times. 

Satan looks for a "foothole" constantly so that he can tear apart that very event that we prepared so reverently for. Satan and his Minions are actively pursuing us and our families.  They are ready at a seconds notice to jump right in and destroy our very lives. 

As we continue to be worthy of a Temple recommend, we will lessen our chances of being captured by the very chains of destruction. The Atonement is there for all of us to partake in.  Our most wayward children can return to the path toward exaltation. We must continually pray for their return. As we love unconditionally, they can feel our love and support. We must not lose hope and as we grow in our faith, we will see miracles.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches us that "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children" and "parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness,...to teach them to love and serve one another".
If any of us have experienced a wayward child, you will appreciate the counsel given in Chapter 16, p 173, of our text that states, "There is every reason to believe that the wayward children of righteous parents will, in the end, receive salvation." This gives all of us the hope we need. 

In Alma 34:32 we read "this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors". There is no time like the present to get our lives in order and make and keep sacred covenants. 

   

   

Pehrson, Kyle L., Cook, Ron and Madse, Nancy L.They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 3 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

                                            

How to have and maintain a Divorceless Marriage

You have probably heard that marriage is a 50-50 adventure.  We have since changed that thought process to believe that marriage is a 100-100 adventure.  When we only give half and expect the other to give half, we can be upside down when that doesn't happen.  In the previous blog post, I reviewed the importance of continued dating after marriage.  There are several other aspects that one needs to draw focus on such as a spiritual connection.  As we make the Savior part of each and every day, we will have the strength necessary to battle and slay the dragons that come at us. As we pray together, share our faith and deepen our friendship, we will grow and stay closer as a couple.

Dr. Randy Bott, Ph.D. has a book called Divorceless Marriage.  He speaks of the importance of communication and how vital it is in all relationships.  As we learn how to communicate, we can develop a greater love for each other which will allow us to become even better friends. 

Friendship is the glue that will hold a marriage together even when passion may dip in your relationship.  When we build any relationship on the basis of friendship, we will have that support when we need to rely on someone else the most. 

Forgiveness is also a key element in any relationship.  Learning to say you're sorry without adding a "but" in there will be sincere.  When we say "I'm sorry, but if you hadn't done XYZ...I wouldn't have done that". Instead say "I'm sorry I hurt you, please forgive me". Leave it at that and be sincere with your apology.  It doesn't matter whether you pushed them off a cliff or accidentally bumped them off, the end result is the same.  Choose your words wisely and kindly.  


Elder Bruce C. Hafen (2005, p. 76-77) teaches us that "when troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.  They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through". Our commitment is vital in enduring all the bumps in the road that will inevitably come our way. 

In our text, (p 35, chapter 3), we are taught "Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusions of bonding and intimacy. They become victims of the “cold gravy syndrome.” Following his counsel can help us in our quest to stay happily married. 

Bott, R. L. (1997). Divorceless marriage: put it first, make it last, Salt Lake City, UT: Millennial Press. 

 1997 Hafen, B.C. (2005). Covenant Hearts Marriage and the Joy Ofhuman Love. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.


Duncan, Stephen F., McCarty, Sara S. Duncan, Zasukha,(Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 3 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

                          Kiss me with your eyes wide open.

                                                    

                                                   
As we venture out on dating before marriage, there are a few hints and tips that you may want to consider. There can be a lot of stress as you decide what to do on a date.  It seems that the guys tend to have more of a challenge of this than the gals.  The following may help with this process.

a. Each of you makes a list of 10 dates that you would like to go on. If you put your ideas on strips of construction paper you can each fold them up and put them in a decorated container and draw from them on Monday for a date on Friday. Make 3 color strips.  The red strip can be for the activity, the yellow can be for the dessert and the blue can be for a meal. You will have 60 strips of paper in your container.  One week, someone picks a strip from each color and the next week the other one does.  This allows for a variety and takes the stress away from trying to decide on Friday night what you both want to do.  By doing this at the beginning of the week, it allows for plans to be made.  An example of the 3 strips might be a burger at Smash Burger, bumper cars and Dairy Queen for dessert. The rule is that unless you both agree, you must do whatever is on the strip of paper. If you are dating someone for the first time, this may not work but you may try it for a follow-up date.  When you are married, this can be especially fun.  How many times do you get a babysitter and then get in the car and say "well what do you want to do" and visa versa?

b. Be sure to ask someone out with plenty of notice.  Sometimes you may get lucky and the other person will be available at the last minute.

Dating before marriage can be a lot of fun but serious dating can bring a couple closer together.  One of the things you have to be cautious of is staying Chaste.  There is a CD by Curtis Jacobs called "How to be Chaste while being Chased.  This is one of the best CD's I have listened to. It teaches us how to date while staying morally clean.

Some very good advice comes from Successful marriages and families chapter 2 where it states "In all the preparations to get acquainted, build up a relationship, commit to marriage, and especially to get married, do not forget to continue to prepare for marriage."

Dating after marriage is something that tends to fall by the way-side but is extremely important if not more important.  It is vital to keep the flame alive especially when real life gets in the way such as finances, extended family and children.  Take time for your marriage and be sure to put it first and foremost.
If we give our spouse a 10-second kiss each and every day, we will have that connection that can be lost before you know it. The ABC's of successful romantic relationship development are essential to be followed.  They are Meeting, Dating and Choosing an Eternal Companion. It is a process that shouldn't be taken lightly.  Give it your all. As the term states, "Kiss Me With Your Eyes Wide Open, that means to see exactly what you are getting yourself into as you do.  Be aware of what is happening and stay faithful. It is also fun to try and kiss your date or spouse with your eyes open sometimes.  Try it for fun!!!

Jacobs, Curtis (2004, January) "How to be Chaste While Being Chased" retrieved from
https://deseretbook.com/p/how-chaste-while-being-chased-curtis-jacobs-4570

 (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

In laws or Outlaws

     When couples marry they need to realize that they marry the whole entire family as well. Some may be liked and loved and some, well, not so much. At times it can be a struggle mixing the different personalities as well as the different traditions that each carry. It can almost feel like mixing cultures.

     There a lot of different agendas that need to be dealt with. Mothers can feel jealous that their daughter is moving away and that her purpose as a mother will be diminished. They may also feel as though a new daughter in law will never be good enough for her son. Fathers can sometimes feel as though no man will ever measure up to the perfect man for their daughter.

     When couples marry, they also need to deal with having a very large pair of shoes to fill. If the couples come from families where they have gotten along with their parents, the other spouse may feel a bit of a tug of war or jealousy happening when "he" says, "my mother never cooked it that way."

     A new bride and a groom want to feel independent from their immediate family which is a good thing. They must be cognizant not to exclude the extended families as this will also create hurt heartache and sorrow.

     Sometimes the In-laws can feel like the Outlaws. This is a very challenging situation that if not dealt with soon, can turn toxic and tear apart a family. Through humility and being able to put yourself in the other persons shoes, it can become easier to meld together quickly.

     I am so blessed to have the absolute best in-laws. My children have married the greatest people ever. I even picked one of my Sons in Law out for my daughter and introduced them. My daughters in law are so amazing. I couldn't love them more if I had given birth to them. My parents in law are the greatest example of what a marriage should be and they are the kindest and most non-judgmental parents ever.

     My side of the family is just as great but some of my siblings can be a bit interesting at times. My parents are so wonderful and get along great with my husband. This makes family get-togethers so much fun and void of drama.

  

                   Oh the In-Laws

And then the Out-Laws

Head and neck above the others!

     In society today, there are defined roles or purposes of one sex or the other. In families, it can be apparent that either the father or the mother may play the dominant role.


     While each may have different duties and some may overlap, one will typically dominate when decisions are to be finalized. Sometimes fathers may be viewed as the disciplinarian and mothers, the nurturers. Let’s explore some reasons why this may be the case.


     In cases where the mother is a stay at home figure, mothers are the ones who carry the baby in their body and predominantly are the care providers. Fathers may be seen as the financial support and therefore spend less time interacting with the children due to daily work schedules.


     During and especially at the end of the day, the mother is frazzled and exhausted. She is going to give in more than a father might, especially when the father hasn’t had his patience tried all day. Fathers have a deeper voice which can set the tone of “I mean business.” Mothers, by nature, have a higher pitch and softer voice. This can make it a bit more difficult to be taken seriously if there isn’t constant follow through on the part of the mother.


     Children need a balance of both types. This must be consistent, and children need to see that both parents are on the “same page.” Children may try and pit one parent against the other so they can get what they want.


     Both parents should have equal say in how things are run, however, they also need to present a “United Front” to the children.


     In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, we are teasingly told that the man is the head of the home, but the woman is the neck that turns the head. I have always thought that saying was very applicable as well as hilarious.








       Head of the home                   Neck that turns the head

     When respect is given by both parents, the children will grow up in a much happier home life and will learn the essential skills they will need when they become parents.


     The Bishop has two counselors. They each have different duties. One does not hold more Priesthood than the other or possess more power than the other. The Bishop is like Heavenly Father and the head of our families while the two counselors are like the mom and dad. Each has different responsibilities with equal power.


     It’s a great plan when used properly. The problem lies when one parent fails to treat the other as an equal.