As Sands Through The Hourglass

As Sands Through The Hourglass

So are the days of our lives

     We each have someone in our lives that is older than we are.  They may be a few years or many years. Those of us that have family members that are much older, may be responsible for their care in one way or another. How do we deal with this on a weekly or daily basis? 

     As a child, we had our needs met but one or two parents.  They may have had good days and bad.  So it is the same in caring for an elderly family member. There are many factors when caring for an aged loved one.  We must be sure that self-care is part of our daily routine. 

     In an article by Margot Lester (2019), she shares some things that we need to consider.  Our parents may be anxious and depressed.  Remember, They have just lost their independence.  This can be quite a challenge for all involved. We must be cognizant of our personal limitations and not try and take on too much. She suggests keeping a daily journal so that we can vent our positive as well as negative feelings.  This will allow us the opportunity to get things off our chest. Even if you don't plan on using an assisted living facility, check some out anyway.  Download apps on your phone such as Lyft and GrubHub.  Set timers to remind you to check in on them. Meditate even 10 minutes a day.  This will give you some much-needed stress-reducing time for yourself. 

     It will be important to remember that your parents took care of you and loved you know matter what.  Be patient with them and repeat things a million times if necessary. Remember, they taught you how to tie your shoes and use a fork and spoon.

     With today's parents having fewer children, most parents are finished with their day-to-day parenting responsibilities before they become grandparents.  Consequently, the grandparenting role has become more salient as grandparents are able to focus considerable attention on their grandchildren." Chapter 17, Supporting Families.

Lester, Margot, (October 2019) 6 Tips to Care for an Aging Parent from Caregivers.  Retrieved from https://www.guideposts.prt/caregiving/resource-center/6-tipe-to-care-for-an aging-parent-from-caregivers?gclid=CjwKCAjw3-bzBRBhEiwAgnnLCupSqHfPBzI7E5w3Sbo0Shb76423G4jYIaDFmYBz-2ZeMv7-tJT_hoCv20QAvD_BwE

Miller, Richard B., and Yourason, Jeremy B. “Supporting Families across Generations” Chapter 17  (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 17 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Parenting with Love--How to love them when you don't really like them.

Parenting with Love

      Children can be our biggest joy and our greatest sorrow.  When they are first placed in our arms as our new and perfect creation, we feel the most love we have ever felt in our lives.  That love grows leaps and bounds as time goes on. 

     Then before you know it comes the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, endless feedings, hormone catastrophes, and demands from the rest of the world.  What happened to that euphoric feeling we had seconds after their birth? LIFE!!! 

     So what do we do now? We have just encountered this little angel in the terrible twos and they tell us that they hate us.  How do we feel and what do we do? We can feel a rush of anger, disappointment, disbelief that such a tiny creature could spew such ugliness or we can take a step back and understand their frustration and choose to love them anyway.  

     While we always love our children, we may not always like them. Think about that for a moment. Is it them we don't like, or their behavior that we abhor?  The latter is hopefully the correct response. How do we separate the two? When we remember that our Heavenly Father may feel the same way, it gives us hope that we can become more loving and forgiving like He is.

     In our text, chapt 10 (Successful marriages...)  we learn "Although consequences are important to the learning process, punishment is not always the answer to misbehavior. Seeking to understand the underlying causes of the misbehavior can help parents treat the core problem and not just react to symptoms."

     How do we survive the terrible two's, tweens and teens? There is a great course called Love and Logic that I highly recommend for anyone thinking of becoming a parent or already a parent.  This course will teach you the tricks of the trade as you gain a greater understanding as you utilize effective parenting on a greater level than you ever thought possible.

     Children need consistency and actually thrive on it.  As we provide them with the security of knowing how things are supposed to be, they will be better equipped to do what we expect. This idea can sometimes be easier for fathers because they aren't spending all day long with the children and being emotionally worn down. 

     When we emotionally and physically take care of ourselves, we will have the strength to be more loving and forgiving of our children.  

     Hang in there and before you know it, the greatest joys will be yours....Grandchildren!!!

Hart, Craig H., Newell, Lloyd D., Ha, Julie H. “Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 10 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

     

Should I keep trying to work it out?

     What do I do when I am trying everything possible to make it work and he/she isn't? One of the first things to remember is that you can only control you.  Specifically, you can only control what you think (how long you dwell on a thought), how you choose to feel about a certain situation or thought, and finally what you choose to do about those thoughts.

     No one can make you mad, you either choose to be mad or you choose not to be mad.  If you choose to be mad, then own it and take responsibility for your feelings.  How long do you plan on staying in this place is totally up to you.

     While we would like the other person to think like us and to make choices that are in line with our desires, that may or may not be the case.  What to do then?

     How long do you stay in a marriage when you see no sincere effort on the other side?  There are a lot of factors that may weigh into this decision.  It should never be taken lightly. Some thoughts to help in this decision may include the following:
     a. How long have you been married?
     b. Do you have children in common?
     c. Are you choosing to love them anyway (we will address this later)?
     d. Are you financially able to care for yourself?
     e. Do you have a support network?
     f. Does your spouse indicate that they have no desire to work it out?
     g. Have you prayed with your spouse daily for at least a month?
     h. Have you prayed individually on a daily basis?
     i. Are you sealed in the Temple?
     j. Is there abuse in your relationship?
     k. Have you tried marriage counseling?
     l. Are you giving 5 positives to every 1 negative interaction? This is the Key to success.

These questions are going to have a direct impact on how and what you decide to do in your relationship. I can't answer for you what you should do but it is important that you do all in your power before you sever your marriage thinking that the "Grass is Greener on the Other Side".  I can assure you that you will have weeds there too and you will have to mow it as well.  When we realize that "The Grass is Greener Where You Water It", we can refocus and sort out what we can and are willing to work on. Which couple are you going to be?

In Chapter 8 of Successful Marriages we learn that "it is important for those at the crossroads of divorce to surround themselves with a network of friends and family who will support their efforts to repair and strengthen their marriage rather than urge them to abandon the marriage."

                                                                                                                                                  

Hawkins, Alan J. and Fackrel, Tamara “ A.Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce” (Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Chapter 3 Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.