Are we from the same planet?

   

When we meet someone, we spend a lot of time talking with each other. When we get more serious, will stay up late in to the wee hours of the morning and never run out of things to say. The night I met my husband, we stayed awake until the sun came up talking about everything we could think of. Although we don't have that luxury anymore, we still love to spend time talking. We work together and are with each other 24/7 so we have a lot of time to interact but at 11:00 at night, we can be a little tired so we utilize the weekends the best we can. In the beginning couples can perceive everything the other does is so cute and we tend to overlook the things that may bother us later in life. We both tend to do for the other person all that we can to please them and to show them how much we love them and appreciate them. Our focus is constantly on the positive. We speak kindly and do what we can to make them feel important with what they have to say.


As we venture into marriage, there is what is called the "honeymoon phase." This phase can last for quite a while depending on how we treat the other person. We still think that the other is funny and we appreciate the cute little way that they chew their food.


Next comes real life. Bills start to pile up, in laws are in our lives more, and perhaps a baby is on the way. We quit taking care of ourselves and we stop focusing on all the reasons we got married in the first place. What we choose to focus on will ultimately determine how we feel and then act/react toward each other. When my husband and I married, everything was great and still is, however, I started to allow other things in life to take precedence and I became very stressed and tired. I started focusing on the things that annoyed me and not all the positive qualities that he possesses. Luckily, that only lasted a very short time and he still thinks I'm great.


If we can stop and evaluate what we were doing in the first place when we met that attracted us to each other, we will be able to let the little things that irritate us, become less significant. What can we do to rekindle the relationship that we once had? Finding fault is a sure way to destroy a marriage. According to John Gottman, Ph.D., there is a 5:1 ration that states you need 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction in order for relations to stay together. When this doesn't happen you can be on the road to an unhappy marriage.


From my own personal experience and from seeing how our counseling patients view dating, I have learned that by focusing on the positives about each other, we can succeed. Continuing with our courtship is essential as it keeps us in a positive and fun mindset. One of the basic rules in dating is to make a pact not to talk about problems. Dating is for bonding and for fun. Serving each other will build a bond between the two of you. Come up with some ways to do creative dating. My husband and I have a lunch sack with 3 strips of colored paper in them. We each came up with 10 dates. On the red strips of paper, we list 10 different places to eat. On the yellow paper, we listed 10 activities to choose from and on the green paper, we listed 10 places to go for dessert. We put them in our own sacks. Each week we take turns choosing from a bag, one of each color. The rule is that we do whatever is picked and be sure NOT to complain. We may choose not to do that activity again but we must participate with a happy heart.


Sometimes married couples will do things for the other person that they want done for themselves. While this is charitable, it may not be what the other is looking for. We've all heard of the 5 love languages. It's imperative that we learn to speak the language of our spouse in order to connect according to Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of the 5 love languages. A great exercise to learning about what you can do for your spouse to please them is for both of you to make a list of 25 little behaviors that the other person can do for you to show you that they love and appreciate you. This example is taught by my husband David Brown, Ph.D. Once you make your lists, trade with your spouse and choose things off the list on a daily basis. Men especially appreciate this activity as it takes all the guess work out of how to please their wife.


The way women and men view things is usually very different. Women think emotional and men typically think logically. When we communicate with each other in our own styles,we can begin to wonder if were from the same planet. On a future blog post I will share some ideas on content communicating.

         

Conflict vs Communication

     We all have conflict in our lives at one time or another.  If we didn't, things would be a little "Truman Show" like.  Some conflict we engage in is due to ourselves and some is out of our control.  However, the way we deal with conflict is completely ours to own and deal with appropriately.

      Many times when we find conflict in our lives, we can look inward and see if our conflict is self inflicted.  When we have conflict, it may be due to the impression that we don't feel heard or appreciated. Sometimes we have a difference of opinion and we believe that people should agree with our ideas.  When they don't, we may feel at odds or in a conflicting  situation with someone else.
We all want to be heard and have our thought and feelings validated.  Some of us may go to extremes and force our opinions on others as a way of validating ourselves.  When we learn proper communicating skills, we can get our point across in a way that can be seen in a positive way.

    One of the most important aspects of communication is how effectively we listen.  Do we listen just long enough to give ourselves time to formulate our next defensive comeback?  Do we listen with the desire to hear and understand.  When we repeat to the other person what we think we heard them say, we can be sure we heard correctly and there will be fewer misunderstandings and misinterpretations. By repeating to the other person exactly what we think we heard them say, we aren't necessarily agreeing with their point of view, we are just acknowledging that we heard them and that we understand what they are saying.  As we listen to the tone of their voice, the non-verbal observations and the words that are used.  We can say things like, "your scowl seems to say that you disagree." "Looks like you are really upset." Be sure you are able to name the feeling such as angry, mad, sad, disappointed, excited, pleased, relieved, happy etc.

     If you have something important that you want to discuss, choose a time that the individual will more likely talk with you. when there will not be distractions or interruptions. Begin with open ended questions such as "What has been the best part of your day so far?" followed up with "what made that so enjoyable?"

     Before you decide to help someone with a problem, ask him/her if he/she would like your help.  Unsolicited help is rarely welcome.

     When you express your feelings, take responsibility, and use "I" instead of blaming with a "you." "I would like/ prefer..." "I would appreciate..."  Avoid absolutes, "You always...You never...Every-time, you..." and avoid making your preferences. other's "shoulds."

     This method is called the speaker-listener technique.  I messages when coupled with repeating what you think you heard them say, can make communication so much more effective.

     Say what you mean and mean what you say.  In other words, "own your words."

A talking stick is another form of effective communicating. I will go over that in a future blog.  Stay tuned for that great bit of information.

Are you in a Covenant or Contractual Marriage?

     While both are legal in the eyes of the law, a covenant marriage is more of a commitment-based marriage. When we enter into a commitment marriage, we are promising to be with that person regardless of circumstance. Our vows are a covenant in that we are not professing our commitment based on what the other person will do for us. We offer ourselves to them as a gift without the requirement of return. If we did require a return, that would be a contractual marriage only. Most marriages are part contractual and part covenant.


     When we fully commit, we agree to stay with someone regardless how easy or difficult life becomes. We don’t bail on the relationship when things don’t go as we had hoped. Commitment is an attitude. If we truly decide that we are really in it for the “long haul”, we will find it easier to work at our marriage when things get tough. Children are the ones who ultimately lose when parents decide to divorce. There are far more side effects for the children than the parents (providing parents aren't divorcing due to abuse) once they divorce. I will be addressing this in detail in a future blog.


     How do we deal with a marriage when your spouse decides that they don’t want to be with you? Do we give up or do we fight for what we have? Are we willing to take a hard look at our situation and see what we can do to make the situation better? If we remember that we can only control ourselves and not the other person, we will have a much easier time dealing with restoring that which is failing. No one can make us mad, we either choose to be mad or choose not to be. The choice is all up to us. I will address more about this in a future blog post.

Marriage Title vs Partner Relationship

Social Ideology, which are social beliefs, need to be influenced to be returned to actual titles such as Partner Relationships and not marriage. Getting Legislature to change what they call such will be quite an undertaking.


While you can be tolerant of such relationships, the definition should not be reflected by sharing the title of Marriage. I have friends that are same sex and are legally "married" in the eyes of the judicial system in San Francisco. I do not see them as married because I define the term marriage as being between a man and a woman. Even if one of them had a sex change and then joined into a legal relationship, I would still not consider them married. You cannot change DNA no matter how you change genitalia.


I don't think we should be forced to "make a cake" for anyone that we choose not to as in the situation where the bakery owners were fined for refusing to bake and decorate a cake for a same sex couple for their marriage. If restaurants can post that they "reserve the right to refuse service to anyone they choose", then I think that should hold true for anyone who decides not to participate in any way in support of a same sex union.


As we learn tolerance for each other, we need to be respectful of each other's lifestyles as long as they don't infringe on our right not to participate. We can be kind and appreciative of their relationship without agreeing with it.


Sometimes we just need to agree to disagree while being respectful.